9 Years Ago....

9 years ago today I became a surrogate.   I gave birth to a child that was not biologically mine.  A child I carried for someone else.  A child I got to hand over to the parents and watch their entire world change..... I got to be there.  I got to be a part of something HUGE.   I gave birth to a baby boy that weighed 8lbs 11ozs and came after just a very quick 45 minutes of labor & delivery. 
{As you can tell by this bruised face - it was quick!}

I became a surrogate and it changed my life.

Today Harrison Asher turns 9 years old.  He is having a football party with his friends and his younger brother Ethan.   Today 9 years ago two wonderful men became Daddy & Dada.   Today 9 years ago woman who thought she might never have grandchildren got to meet her grandson for the first time.  9 years ago men and women became aunts and uncles.   9 years ago a special little boy was born.

What an incredible thing *I* got to be a part of.  What an incredible blessing to me. 

IP's and surrogates all have different arrangements when they are in the hospital for labor and delivery.   Some share a room but it seems like most IP's get a room down the hall from the surrogate.  I get it, I really do, but for us - it wouldn't have worked.   The first night we got stuck in a standard tiny room.  Not really the best set up.   My IP's actually went home that night and I kept the baby with me.   Apparently they had quite a few friends that thought they were nuts and that I might run off with the baby.... um, no.   There is that whole TRUST thing again.   Besides, I was already doing the single mom thing by that point and *really* didn't want a newborn baby to take care of!   The second night we got a 2 bedroom suite and it was wonderful!   We could close the door if either one of us wanted privacy, but I'm not sure we ever did.   (ok, maybe at night 'cuz I snored so bad.....)   I nursed Harrison the entire time I was in the hospital and the dads made sure to take lots of picture to prove that they hadn't deprived him of getting a little boob action!   ;-)  

My experience was wonderful.  I loved the family and knew that we would be doing a sibling journey sometime in the future, so to me it wasn't the end, it was just another chapter in our lives together.

Junk in that trunk!

Well that is a summary of how I have been feeling and what my family has been saying lately; I have got some junk in my trunk.   And I just cleaned my car out, so that can only mean one thing.   I am putting on some weight and ALL that weight is going to my hips and down.   Seriously.   I am sooo glad it isn't summer time but rather the fall/winter and I get to wear all the clothes I can handle.  

Let's see, it started a few weeks ago when I went away for the night with a bunch of girlfriends.  We got to stay in a hotel with a pool, so I made sure I grabbed my bikini (only suit that can fit) and made sure to shave.  Didn't want to scare anyone.   I did the obligatory pose in front of the mirror and noticed that my hips were really starting to get bigger.   Ok - a bit of a let down right before I take off, but I am going to let it slide.  Didn't end up going to the pool, so even better.  

Fast forward to just last week and my 3 year old and I were getting ready to hop in the shower... she says "Wait mom, you didn't go stand on this thing." as she walks into our closet and steps on the scale.   "Oh no" I think.  This is NOT the body image thing I want to share with my daughter.  Now I am not one of those that obsesses about her weight.  I would rather gauge myself on how I feel and how I look than what the numbers say.  At the same time, I am trying to gain weight during this pregnancy at a healthy pace so I am monitoring it.  Luckily for me when my beautiful 30# little girl went and stepped on the scale she said "see, we have to see how big our feet our getting - how big are mine now?"   Phew!!!  That was close!

Just a day or two later I was walking around naked gathering my clothes (yeah, that is normal in my house - just works for us) and out of my *darling* daughter's mouth comes: "You have a huge butt and mine is tiny."   Oh the temptation to send her flying.... her feet managed to stay on the ground and I calmly smiled and found my clothing as quickly as possible.  She is only just 3 and what comes out of their mouths at that age is just what they see.  Totally innocent and yet so painful to hear.  Ouch.   I told my husband about it that night and we both had a nice little chuckle.   {Why does *he* get the compliments like "Daddy has a big penis" and I get the big butt comments?!??!}   I just need to remember when she is months away from giving birth to her SIXTH child that I tell her that her butt looks huge.   Paybacks.

So just the other night my husband and I (momentary break to say that we just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last Friday - October 29th!) are relaxing on the couch watching TV and he starts poking my leg.   Um.... okay.  What are you doing?  Converstaion when something like this:
Me - What are you doing?
Him - (continuing to poke up and down my leg)
Me - Are you just poking my fat or what?!?
Him - I was just wondering if you were retaining water or something?!?
Me - (Deep breathing so HE doesn't go flying across the room) Nope hunni, I told you I was just getting fat.   Same thing happened with Sheridan.  I got bigger from the waist down.  I lost it before and I am pretty sure I'll lose it again, but thank for noticing.  *big smile*   
{BTW - No anniversary sex for you tonight!}

Yeah.... I'm not bitter and really I don't think I look that bad with clothes on (again, good thing it is fall/winter!) so not many people will notice.   When they do say something it will be something along the lines of "Wow - all your weight goes straight to your belly huh?" or "You don't gain anywhere but your belly do you?!?!"  Guess I should be grateful that my belly gets HUGE, it will distract them from my HUGE BUTT!    (love you Sheridan!)

In other news I had an appointment with my midwives today.  I got to meet our backup midwife (who is actually the one that is licensed).  She mainly stayed in the background recording measurements and taking notes, but it was nice to have her there.  Of course I am still a little biased about MY midwife 'cuz she has been there for my last 2 and is the primary care provider for me with this little Intruder.   She did make a comment that for some reason she thinks she might not make it to my birth.  Eek!  Now I have read wonderful birth stories of unassisted births and I am pretty sure I could swing it, but still..... I'd like to have her there.   From where my midwife lives you can see my house - it isn't far at all.  10 minute drive tops!   Then again - that would sure be a story to tell.   Anyway, I was measuring about 30 weeks (I am 27.1) and I got to listen to the baby's heart with the fetoscope and then we let Sheridan listen with a Doppler.  We made sure that the new midwife knew our rule - that we don't want to know heart tones at all.   They can write them down in their notes, but they don't share them with us.  We don't want any guessing on if it is a boy or a girl based on heart-rates.  I did my pee stick and I also had my blood pressure and heart checked - all was good!   My next appointment is scheduled for December 1st and at that point I will be 31 weeks and then I'll start going every 2 weeks.  Once the holidays are here the time is just going to fly by - before you know it the new year will be here and our little Intruder will be making his/her debut soon after!! 

Wow.   

Amazingly wonderful!

Here is a shot I did at 25.2weeks for facebook.  I think it was the first belly shot I had posted.

Until next time - my huge, water-retaining butt and I are outta here!   ;-)

Happy Birthday Ethan!

Yesterday was the birthday of my youngest surro - Ethan.   On October 17, 2003 he was born and was just as beautiful of a baby as you have ever seen.  His features were soft, his head was perfect, his lips were beautiful.... I wish I could take some of the credit, but his egg donor (#508) and his Daddy sure do make lovely babies!!  He was also my smallest baby to date at 8lbs 5ozs.

I was living in Oregon during my pregnancy with Ethan but flew to California when I was 38 weeks pregnant so I could deliver with the same OB as the first surrogate and so the family could all be there to welcome their new addition.   A couple days later my 'house spouse' and my 4 1/2 year old son flew down to Cali too.

Mark (house spouse) had endured an entire pregnancy during our 9 1/2 months of dating.   *I had warned him he did NOT want to start dating me since I had plans to get pregnant 3 weeks after we met - he chose not to listen.*   Gotta say that was a very fun way to start a relationship - "Hi, this is my girlfriend and her son and yes she is pregnant but not isn't mine and no it isn't hers either."  *smile*   He had a great attitude about the whole thing and his famous saying was 'how many guys get a trial run at their girlfriends being pregnant?'  So true.

So Mark flew in the night before I ended up delivering - we weren't sure if he would be there for labor/deliver or not, but it was worth a shot.   As it was - he had perfect timing!  I had an appointment for a check in the morning and was told I was leaking a bit of amniotic fluid so I was sent to L&D.  Woot-Woot!! Without going into the entire story (maybe some day....) Ethan was born within 4 hours (tied with one of my longest labor/deliveries) and he was welcomed by his Daddies & Grandmas & Mark quickly followed by others including his big brother.

Here is a picture of Mark holding Ethan not long after he was born - it is one of my favorite pictures and is actually in a frame on my wall.   Mark might not have been related to this baby in anyway, but he felt very proud to be a support to me and to be there when Ethan was born.

Yesterday I got a call from my surro family and Ethan said "Thank you for having me".   He was on his way to his laser tag birthday party with his buddies.  If only he understood how much he has done for me and how much he and the rest of his family have been a blessing in *my* life.   Thank YOU Ethan for letting me carry you!  It was such an honor.

It was dark......

I have been reflecting a bit lately about when I found out I was pregnant.   I know I didn't share a whole lot here - I was still in shock and didn't really believe what was going on.  Now that I am feeling much better about this pregnancy (I feel 'normal' again!) I can look back at what I was going through and process things much easier.

I found out on a Friday evening about 8 o'clock.  My family was all gone (fishing I think...) and I decided a bath all ALONE sounded wonderful!  I knew my period was due and before the witch decided to make her apperance I wanted to do that NEGATIVE pregnancy test that I had been talking about.  I wanted a negative test to compare to ones that I was hoping would be positive come transfer time.   When you are early pregnant the tests aren't always obvious that they are positive, so I was planning on peeing on sticks (POAS) 3 or 4 times a day.   (crazy, yes, but remember; I did pass that psych test!)   Surrogates get a little crazy when it is testing time and I was just trying to make sure that when I *thought* I saw a line I would have something to compare it too.  Makes sense, right?  

Ok, so anyway, I peed on my stick and set it on the edge of the bathtub and went to get my towel ready, my cup of water and a hershey's chocolate bar.   Now, if you know me then you know I do NOT like chocolate.   I am thinking to myself "geez, totally PMS'ing here - I am eating chocolate!" and as I broke myself off a bite I caught site of the pregnancy test sitting on the edge of the tub and dropped my chocolate into the water.   There were TWO lines on the test.    WHAT?!?!?!?   I didn't believe it.  I couldn't believe it.  I threw it in the drawer in the bathroom.   No way.   It has to be wrong.... has to be.   My relaxing bath turned out to be anything BUT relaxing.  I kept getting up, looking in the drawer and then shutting it.  Over and over. 

I stayed in the tub about an hour and drank my water - the chocolate bar is still to this day open and sitting in my night stand - half eaten.  When I got out I got a different type of test -- why should I trust those stupid internet tests anyway, right?!?!  So I got out one of my digital test (you have to understand that I was VERY prepared with tests - I think I had about 80......) - I peed and within the time frame it told me it read very clearly "pregnant".   Holy Sh*t.   Yeah....... I took a picture and sent it to my best friend that has know about everyone one of my tests first - and she was heading across country  moving and never got the message until a few days later.   Then I sent the picture of the two tests to my best mom friend and said something to the effect of "Holy Sh*t, I am in trouble!"  Not normally the words I would choose, but how else can you express that much shock?!?!

My friend had a hard time figuring out what was in the little picture on her phone but with what I said quickly figured it out.... we 'talked' back and forth for awhile and when my family returned home I said goodnight to everyone and went to bed early.   Not that I could sleep.

I had to tell my husband.   I had to tell S&P.  I had to tell my agency.  How?!?!  What do I say?  I am still trying to figure out how I got pregnant!!   After pretending to be asleep and tossing and turning for half the night I got up around 2am and went to my computer.  I calculated what I could for dates coming up disbelieving each time.  Then I wrote my husband an email.   Yeah - I figured he couldn't kill me if he read that I was pregnant in an email - I would be long gone by the time he read it.   *smile*  Just kidding...... kind of.   I sent the email with the title of 'please read sitting down'.

In the morning I tried to play normal happy wife, we all turned on cartoons and sat around while my stomach was turning and twisting.  Finally my hubby said he was going to go check his email.... I waited just a bit and then followed him in, kissed him on the head and said I was heading up to take a shower.

Up until this point I had been in shock.   I really didn't believe what was going on (of course I took another internet cheapy test and the stupid thing still had 2 lines on it!).   Once I got in the shower I let the reality of what was happening hit me and I cried.   I cried and cried - I had a hard time catching my breath but just let the water wash away my tears.   My daughter came up and joined me at some point and I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself...... then I heard my husband coming and I lost it.

 He opened the shower curtain and looking back I was standing but in the most fetal position I could be in and he looked at me and shook his head and closed the curtain.     

.....oh the tears that followed.  The pain.......

Then he did something that I will never forget - he opened the curtain back up and said "Why are you crying?  We have three beautiful children and we are going to have another one!!!  God obviously had different plans than we did and that's okay - we will make this work, but you need to stop crying!"   Of course after hearing that I couldn't stop crying, but my tears at that point were tears of relief.   My husband was going to stand by my side and we were going to get through this.

My journey to being 'okay with this' was definitely a difficult one.  Emotionally I was ready to be pregnant, but not ready to love the baby like I would love my own child.  I was ready to love like I was loving/caring for my friends baby - which is what you want when you are are a surrogate!!   Emotionally wrapping my head and my heart around the change was HUGE.   I was also much sicker with this pregnancy than I was with any other and I am sure that it was my emotions affecting me phsyically.  Once I got to about 16 weeks I started feeling better physically and feeling the baby move was a HUGE boost in my emotional well being.   Now that I am more than 1/2 way through I am so excited and can't wait to meet this baby.

   Our family is ready.   I am ready. 

Baby Poll!

Well I decided to do it again - we are hosting an online baby poll!   Guess gender, birth-date, weight, length and what time our little Intruder will be born.  With us going 'all natural' it makes guessing A LOT of fun!   Sorry, there are no prizes for winning other than the fact that you get bragging rights.  :)

Boy or a Girl?

When will s/he arrive?

Come anticipate with us!   Registration is NOT required but recommended if you think you might need to change your guess or if you want an email from the site letting you know if you won the poll or not.  Otherwise, just join us for a bit of fun.  The more the merrier.    I would also like to challenge the silent blog stalkers (ya know, if you read but never comment or if you only follow privately) to leave a guess and as your name/info you can just add that you are a blog reader - I would LOVE that!   So, what do ya say?  Takes less than a minute and it is a BLAST!!!

Click HERE to vote!

There is also a link on the side of the page - ExpectNet.com

ETA - pictures are up now.  :)

Grand Multipara

Definition:

Grand multipara: The term "multipara" applies to any woman who has given birth 2 or more times. A woman who has given birth 5 or more times is called a grand multipara.

For a pregnancy to count as a "birth", it must go to at least 20 weeks' gestation (the mid-point of a full-term pregnancy) or yield an infant that weighs at least 500 grams, irrespective of whether the infant is liveborn or not.

The term "multipara" is composed of two Latin words: "multi-" from "multus", much + "-para" from "pario", to bring forth = to bring forth much (in the way of children)

I have never been one for labels - especially ones that bring a negative connotation to them.   Grand Multipara to me is a way to label a woman that has had 'too many' kids.  If you look it up you find crazy stories like the Duggar family or ladies that have had so many children their vagina is gonna fall off.  Most of the women are in their mid-40's and look like they have a ton of kids.   A total stereotype!

When people ask me if this is my first pregnancy (HA!) or what number baby this is for me I always hesitate.    Well the first question I can answer pretty easily, but then what do I say?  How much do I want to share?  How much time do I have?   This is my fourth baby, but it is my sixth baby also.  I try to be honest - I like to educate people about surrogacy - and say something to the effect of:   "This is the fourth baby for my family but will be the 6th baby I deliver.  I was a surrogate mother for 2 other children."   Responses vary from shock and disbelief to admiration and everything in between.   The one I laugh at probably the most (and probably the most appreciative) is the: "Wow!   You don't look like you have had ___fill in the blank__ kids!"  Although I am not exactly sure what some one with ___fill in the blank__ kids should look like I take it as a compliment - because obviously from the look of shock on their face - it is!

While there are always risks involved with pregnancy and birth when you are labeled as a Grand Multipara you are now automatically considered high risk.  Although 90-95% of pregnancies labeled high risk deliver healthy, viable babies.  Some of the things that an OB would watch for would be rapid labor {yet women that have delivered multiple times also tend to have prodromal labor - start and stop, start and stop - more often}, and postpartum hemorrhaging due to having a 'tired' uterus.   A uterus that has lost muscle tone and doesn't clamp down quickly could lead to more blood loss.

 Luckily for me - I know all this, my midwives know all this and we are proactive in my health care.   My back up midwife will have pitocin on hand 'just in case' but I also know to nurse my baby as soon as possible and to take it easy!   With the birth of this baby, as with the last 2 I will be on restriction following the birth.  My plans are to deliver in my bathtub upstairs which means that is where I will be for the week following - upstairs.  In bed.  Relaxing.  Bonding.  Nursing.  Healing.  Resting.  'Cuz we all know that I don't want my guts falling out!!!   After a week I will be allowed downstairs - at first just one trip down and I'll be resting on the couch then back up stairs 'til the next day.  All this is done to help me heal and to promote good mother/baby bonding.   Even if I am an OLD mom with too many kids under my belt!   ;-)    
...and I could totally catch that Duggar lady if I wanted too.   I just don't want to..... well that and our house isn't be enough.  Oh yeah, and I nurse for too long.  My hubby wants to be done having kids at 50.  And............ 

Half Way!

Wow!  Can you believe it?  I made it - I have survived the first half of this pregnancy.   The second half I anticipate will be a quicker, fuller, more emotionally stable ride.   I can't wait!!!!

This little Intruder has been growing by leaps and bounds and it learning to stretch and bump at all hours.  Hubby has been able to feel the bumps more strongly now and the kids will probably be able to start being *still* enough to feel him/her soon also.

From one pregnancy site:  If you're having a girl, her uterus is now fully formed and her ovaries are holding about seven million primitive eggs. If you're having a boy, his testicles have begun their descent from the abdomen to their ultimate destination — the scrotum. And while your baby is definitely getting bigger (weighing in at about ten ounces and measuring six and a half inches), there's still plenty of growing room in there, which allows him to twist and turn (and allows you to feel his acrobatics!).   

And another about the way babies are measured:  Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

 I had my appointment last week with my midwife and I was measuring right on track and my iron has gone back up to 12.7!!  I am so excited that I got it up almost 3 whole points which is just about where it was pre-pregnancy.   We expect over the next 2-4 weeks that it will drop back down again as my body increases the blood supply for the duration of the pregnancy - all perfectly normal and to be expected.

Yesterday was not only my 20 week milestone it was also the beginning of my MOPS year.  MOPS is an international organization that is designed to help encourage, equip and develop women to be the best moms they can be.  I am the coordinator of our local group but I have been attending for about 5 years and I lovingly call it my 'sanity saver'.   :)  We meet 2x/month during the school year and it is 2 hours of hanging out with other moms while we enjoy a breakfast, a speaker, a craft & discussion time.  We are all in the same season of life - all of us have children kindergarten age or younger.  Yesterday I got to announce my pregnancy!   Well, most of the women knew I would probably be pregnant when we came back in the fall but I did get to clarify that this was *our* baby to a couple people that hadn't heard yet.  


Sometimes I am still blown away that we are having another baby - my oldest son is in 6th grade, my youngest son just started kindergarten this week and my little girl turns 3 in just a couple weeks.   My kids all seem to be spaced just perfectly for our family and I know 3+ years isn't a long spacing by any means.... just still surprises me.   Now when I think about it though, I smile.  I am done crying.     *smile*

Here is to another 20 weeks!!!     

19.1 Week Belly Shots

Okie dokie - I am getting close to half way, I can't believe it!!!    Yesterday my oldest 'baby' started 6th grade and next week my youngest son starts kindergarten........ Wow!!   I guess with each hope, anticipation & celebration of all the new milestones we forget that the days on the calendar keep turning.

I am posting TWO belly shots today - because of the way I carry (down & out) I have been very conscientious about making sure that my stomach muscles are always tight when I am walking around.  I don't want any complications and I *sure* don't need my muscles separating more than they already do.   {...and No, I haven't found my belly bra yet - I think it is time I break down and buy a new one.  Fiddles Sticks.}  So anyway, one shot is of me 'sucking in' and the other is just totally relaxed.  I hope to give you a chance to see what I say when I carry down and out - that I am not exaggerating!

So anyways - there you are.   Still not sure why I started wearing no shirt in the pictures, but I figure I might as well keep doing what I started doing.... kind of like wearing brown pants.  ;-)

Oh yeah, speaking of pants - I had a huge pity party on FB earlier this week.   I was whining about not having clothes that fit, wearing the same clothes that I have been wearing for the last 8 years blah, blah, blah.   Well, part of that is true.  I had worn a shirt that day that I realized I had worn when I went to the hospital to deliver my 2nd surro-son (and he turns 7 next month).  It is just an 'old' shirt.  I also have already had to retire 2 pairs of maternity jeans 'cuz they were too tight.  I did get 2 new shirts and 2 new pairs of jeans for this pregnancy, but I try not to wear the same pair of jeans for more than a week.....   *smile*  So yes, I am limited on my clothes.  Being pregnant 6 times in the last 12 years in totally different climates (sunny, Southern California & Oregon Coast), due dates/seasons different, styles changing, body changing it just gets OLD sometimes.  I was blessed with my pregnancy 4 years ago with my daughter - I got a box of maternity clothes from Liz Lange herself!! (total hook-up from my previous surro family) And no, not her Target line.... her Hollywood line.  Such NICE stuff.  There are a few pieces I wear regularly, but some of the stuff is just *way* too nice to wear where I live.....   Ho-hum.   So, after I put on my hubby's shorts and shirt and whined a little more I did my laundry and was pleased that I had a few more things to wear......  and they were clean.   Maybe next time I'll try that before I whine.  maybe.

A little shout out to female bloggers -

Female bloggers ages 13-30! If you or someone you know is a blogger who writes about friends, family,
relationships, fashion, music, food, school, current events or nearly anything else and feel you've got a story to tell on television, contact Patti at psscasting@gmail.com - with your blog, contact info and a recent photo.

 I personally know Patti and am proud to say she works for a wonderful company!   

I know that I read many blogs that I think would be wonderful for her to feature, but I am not going to go post this on their pages since I don't know these women personally.... BUT - if you do, please feel free to share!!!   

Bumping the Belly

I was told I needed to do an update, but until just the other day I didn't have anything new to report - -

Saturday evening I felt the little Intruder bumping around and placed my hand instinctively on my belly.   Then I felt him/her bump on my hand.   Nothing too noticeable, just a little bump.   I grinned ear to ear and grabbed my husbands hand and placed it on my belly.   Withing a few seconds he looked at me at the same time I looked at him.....  "Did you feel it?" I asked excitedly?!?!   "Well maybe, but it felt really soft like your heartbeat."

That was it.  Our babies first HELLO to daddy.  *smile*   What a warm, wonderful feeling!!!

16 weeks - 4 months

Just thought I would do a quick belly shot update (I think my last one was 8 weeks...Ooops!)

I am (according to MY calculations) 16 weeks, 4 lunar months!   I am pretty darn sure it has been over a week since I have thrown up.  Yippee!!!  I am not starving all the time.   I can go sometimes a couple hours without eating.   I am feeling baby bump more and more regular.  My contractions started about a week ago.   Pregnancy is progressing nicely!

According to one place I get my baby updates from; the little Intruder is almost 5" long by now.   Our baby might be sucking his/her thumb.  We could probably tell gender if we wanted to know - we don't!  The eyes and ears are all in their correct places and the circulatory system is completely functional. 

Can I tell you how stuffy I have been?!?!?  Geez - every morning when I wake up I have to sneeze like crazy and numerous times throughout the day I will have sneezing fits.   It's crazy.  Again, I have never been this plugged up with any other pregnancy - it is almost comical.  

Here is an inside look at a 16 week old fetus -

So awesome!!

Got Boobs?

Dude.  I got boobs.   And they fricken' hurt!!!!

I know breast tenderness is one of first signs of being pregnant, but with this pregnancy it is just NOW starting (at 15 weeks).   Seriously.   They are finally starting to inflate and look like boobs again and not just flat pancakes rolled up and stuffed into a bra....... I am so excited!!

When I got pregnant with my oldest my boobs growing was the first thing I noticed - although I didn't put it together that I was pregnant.  I was just excited my boobs were finally growing, I had always wanted them just a 'little bit bigger'.  To celebrate my new found fluffy-ness I went out and pierced one of them.  I was 20 years old, living in Vegas and decided *that* was what I was going to do.....    It    H.U.R.T.   A lot.   Looking back now I realize it was because I was pregnant, but who would have thunk it?!?!   :-)

The OB I finally got (once I realized I was pregnant) scared the crap out of me and told me the piercing needed to come out ASAP or blah, blah, blah could happen.   Well of course OB's know *everything* so I removed it almost immediately.   Dang, I really enjoyed having it....

Fast forward a couple years.  I am done breastfeeding, getting ready to do a surrogacy but thing are, as normal, hurry up and wait.   So I figure, you know what - I won't be breastfeeding this baby (...right....), I should go pierce BOTH my nipples this time.   So I did.  I wasn't pregnant and had breastfed my son for 10 months..... those piercings didn't hurt a bit.   I was laying on the table with my legs Indian style and the girl pierce both sides.   AWESOME!!!  I loved them.   They healed quickly, they felt great and of course, they looked wonderful - click if you want to see someone ELSE's up close shot of a nipple ring. 

....well since I was in a holding pattern for surrogacy I got in big trouble for having a piercing done.   So I inadvertently cause *another* 6 month delay.  They had to wait that long for Hep & HIV testing to be redone.   Just a little rebellious.   As my hormones changed with pregnancy one of the piercings 'looked funny' and the fertility doctor freaked out and removed it - turns out later, he apologized and said he over reacted.  But, I kept the one in through the entire pregnancy 'til I went to nurse that baby in the hospital and realized "...Hmmm, that might be kind of difficult" so I removed the barbell I had in and put it in the little dixie cup they gave me.  Of course a few minutes later I was moved to the recovery room and that little dixie cup got left behind......

Some day I'll pierce again..... I really enjoyed them.   And let me tell you - I have pierced my nose since then and that HURTS!!! It also never healed - so I took that puppy out!   Give me a nipple piercing any day..... just not anytime soon 'cuz my boobs are really sensitive right now.  I think the HCG is finally migrating out of my sickness stage into the 'I get to grow boobs' stage.   Finally!!

Time for Sparkle

I think it is high time for me to start being sparkly again!   I am doing better and better with managing my morning (all day) sickness and I am starting to feel GOOD!  

I can't say 'what' has changed, but I think that I am finally opening up my heart all the way.  I am being blessed and I need to start showing it.  I have been saying what I know and what I *should* be feeling all along, but it is really hard to get my mind and my heart on the same page.  I think I have been migrating this direction for a couple weeks, but I think I have finally arrived where I was trying to get to - being happy.

I am almost 15 weeks - more than a 1/3 of the way through this pregnancy.   We got to hear the baby on doppler this last week.  Our baby's heartbeat in the comfort of our living room.  What is better than that?

Looking back now I can say that I have been depressed.  I know I just needed to 'snap out of it', but it was definitely easier said than done.  I am glad I recognized where I was - even while going through it.  I didn't feel like anyone was in danger and I kept checking myself to see if I needed to seek out help.  My close friends know I have been having a hard time, some have been praying for me (Thank you!).   It was just some place that *I* needed to bring myself out of.  My husband called me on it one day - he said something to the effect of 'our baby is going to know if you aren't happy and I need you to be happy that we are having another baby!'  Of course the tears flowed.....    I knew I wasn't in a good place, but I always felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I always want to have 4 children..... but I always said I was going to be done having children at 30.  I made it.  Our daughter was born when I was 29.    When this beautiful Intruder comes I will be 33.......... I know it isn't old by any means (my hubby will turn 50 the month after the baby is born!), but this pregnancy has been more difficult on me than any of the other ones so far.   I am positive that my emotions were probably playing more of a role in effecting the physically than I was giving them credit for. 

Now let's hope I can stay in a place where I am sparkly and unicorns fart rainbows!!  ETA - And poop butterflies!   :)

My time in France is done....

I am not a surrogate for Sophie & Pepe.   I don't get to be a surrogate for Sophie & Pepe.   They have moved on and (hopefully) have found their perfect match of a surrogate.   I need to move on.

On my phone I have had MY time and Paris time - it made me feel closer to S&P knowing at a glance what time it was where they were.  Just getting off work?   Enjoying breakfast?  Settling down to watch their American TV shows?

I realized I needed to move on.   So, I have finally deleted Paris time off my phone.   Now, it isn't a constant remind of what I didn't get to accomplish with them.  I don't have that twinge of pain every time I call or text someone. 

I haven't  heard from them since there were in Oregon in June.  Pepe said they would let me know when they are holding a baby in their arms.... I don't know if that will happen or not.  I would hope that they would, but then again, I wouldn't blame them at all if I don't ever hear from them again.   I have their email address, but I don't want to intrude.  I don't want to cause them any more hurt.  I am giving them space.

My time in France is done.  au revoir et salut

14 Week Flip

Well I have hit the 2nd trimester and it was like a switch has been flipped.  At 12 weeks I started NOT puking every morning.  Yippee!! I still have had a couple 'off' days, but normally it is when I am pushing myself to do too much too early or I didn't eat very well in the morning.

Today I had my 'almost 14 week' check up.  We didn't do any blood/urine monitoring, but I know that my iron is still really low so I am going to start doing some OTC supplements to try to get it back up.  I am definitely doing better on protein, but still not too well with the red meat.

One thing that was brought up today at my appointment is that fact that my uterus is already starting to 'tip out'.   For some reason I don't carry my babies close to my body, they like to LEAN waaaaayyyyyy out over my pubic bone which is great unless you want to walk or sit or anything along those lines.  Pendulous.  So I need to start wearing my belly bra. The other belly bands are great if you have a 'normal' belly, but since mine will literally fold those bands in 1/2 they don't really do me a whole lot of good.    She also mentioned the dreaded words - Bed Rest.   If it gets to bad it is something we will have to think about as I get further along.  For now, just rest while I can (I have to rest after nearly everything I do, so this shouldn't be too big of a problem!).

This last week I have been spoiled by some wonderful women in my life who have taken time out of their busy schedule and contributed to making my house just a bit cleaner.  I had three special 'cleaning fairies' that came and worked on my house!   Soooo nice to come home from our little camp trip to have my floors mopped & vacuumed, my laundry caught up and my bathrooms cleaned up.  

Here is to starting to feel 'normal' again - where I can be my happy, joyful self and start driving people nuts again!!!  :)

Life is so precious

We all know this.  But last week I had a reality check - my son was injured in an accident on the farm while he was working with his g'pa.  That accident could have very easily been fatal and that scares the daylights out of me!  Unless you know about farm equipment it won't make much sense, but he had been helping with the loading of the hay bales and a giant metal plate that lifts up 10 hay bales at once drop on him, knocking him down and pinning his head while his body was being dragged.   G'pa was very quick to react and was thinking 3 steps ahead.  He knew what each step was that he needed to take.  I have been thanking God and a few special guardian angels for watching over my son, Tilor and his g'pa that day. 

Walking into the hospital ER armed only with the information I had received {Tilor was pinched in some farm equipment and is on his way to the ER} was terrifying.  I remained calm and I didn't cry - almost; but I held it together.  I called my husband and told him what I knew and that I was on my way to the ER.  I also called my mom who drove out to meet us and text my wonderful friend, Tanya.  Tanya immediately called our church and Tilor was put on the prayer chain - the youth pastor also arrived about 10 minutes after I did at the hospital.   The blood on his face was from a cut in his cheek that required 9 stitches, but he also had scratches, bruising and swelling on the other side of his head where the metal plate had actually knocked him down.   Not too bad for having his head pinned down by 1,000lbs of weight, huh?

Life is precious.  I have been having such a hard time accepting and getting excited about being pregnant, but if I had lost my son last Monday my world would have been destroyed.  I would have been destroyed.  This precious baby that I am carrying has sure been giving me a lot of perspective.  Life can be taken from us in an instant.  Hug your children just a little tighter, tell someone you love how much you appreciate them or just take a minute to thank God for those people who surround you with their love! 

I am taking the time to rub my belly.

Been a bit stressed

This week and been a stressful one to say it nicely.  My oldest son had a very close call in a farming accident this week along with some other issues going on in the world around me.......  

I need a break.  So, my family and I are taking off and going camping!   Actually the trip has been planned since January and we REALLY need it right now.  We need time to relax together and laugh together and celebrate life together!

I will be gone a few days and I return in time for my midwife appointment on Monday.  More details and updates to come.   For now, I just need an escape.

SMO Addict

Hello,  my name is Heather and I am an SMO addict.  There is an online support group for surrogate mothers (and parents) that I decided to become a part of when I started looking at becoming a surrogate mother again.   After I got pregnant I made the decision to still continue to be part of the community since I had 'been there, done that' and might be able to offer some words of advise.   

I think this might be a hang up for me.  I am still hearing the joy that the girls get when they are getting their BFP for their IP's.  I am weeping with then when a baby is lost (and it has been a hard month!).  I listen to the stories from IM's about their longing for a baby and having circumstances change that.

I feel guilty.  I feel connected, but then again not.  I have become friends with some of the women on the board and want to continue following their journeys but I think I need to step away from the 'support board' since I am not a surrogate.   It is also very taboo too announce that you are leaving *snort* so, I am not doing that.   :)   I'll just leave it here.

So for those of you that are 'blog stalkers' from SMO - I wish you the best and I will continue following your journey's on your blogs but I can't be a part of the day to day *drama*, fun and support on SMO.   I am having a hard time getting excited about my own pregnancy.  If I hadn't have gotten pregnant with our own I would probably be in the 2WW for my couple.  This breaks my heart......

My womb has been filled, now I need my heart to be filled......
                    maybe then I'll get my sparkle back.

12 Weeks

Yesterday I hit the 12 week mark.   The 'safe' zone.  I should be able to let out a big sigh of relief in knowing that our baby will probably be carried to term and there won't be complications..... This is normally when skeptical parents begin announcing that they are expecting.  

Today is the first day in a very long time that I haven't thrown up while I have been at home - at least not yet.   I won't get too excited that I am over it.  I am more realistic than that!   I am hoping that it is my glimmer of hope that over the next few weeks I will be getting sick less and less often.    

I am not sure that my 'sparkle' is here yet.  I don't think so.  Is my physical sickness affecting my emotions?  Or is my emotions affecting me physically?  I wish I knew so I could start working on it........

In the mean time - here is a quick little summary of where we are at in baby development right now.   I also read in one of my baby books that the intestines are starting to migrate through the umbilical cord to the abdomen of the little Intruder.  What an amazing thing to help create a child;  guided by the hand of God.. 

You are 12 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 10 weeks)

• The fetus is now about 2.5 inches (6cm) length and weighs about 0.7 ounce (20 g).
• The feet are almost half an inch (1cm) long.
• The fetus starts moving spontaneously.
• The face is beginning to look like a baby's face.
• The pancreas is functioning and producing insulin.
• Fingernails and toenails appear.
• The baby can suck his thumb, and get hiccups.

From this week you may well be able to hear the baby's heart beat through a doppler monitor on your tummy. You will notice that the rate is up to 160 a minute, double that of a normal adult.

Your baby now has a chin and a nose and a facial profile. Vocal chords are complete, and the baby can and does sometimes cry silently. The brain is fully formed, and the baby can also feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers. The hair is on the head and the fingers and toes have developed soft nails. The kidneys are developed and begin to secrete urine.

Your baby weighs between 0.5 and 0.7 ounce (14 to 20g), and crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches (63mm). Your baby's size has almost doubled in the past 3 weeks.

Flutters!

I felt flutters!!   I am soooo excited!   Around 4am this morning I was half asleep laying in bed and felt a little bump.  I was wide awake immediately to see if I could feel it again and sure enough - there was that wonderful, familiar bump, bump, bump.  I was awake long enough to feel it in a couple different places. 

Oh, how I *love* the comfort of feeling the baby move.  It makes the nausea and sickness totally worth it.

I know it is early and it might be awhile before I feel the little Intruder again and that is okay.  Eventually it will be something that is more and more regular.  I especially like that I get to feel the flutters for a few weeks before anyone else does.   That is a time that we get to start building our bond, our special play time.

I fell back asleep with a smile on my face!!    
11.2 weeks