Been a bit stressed

This week and been a stressful one to say it nicely.  My oldest son had a very close call in a farming accident this week along with some other issues going on in the world around me.......  

I need a break.  So, my family and I are taking off and going camping!   Actually the trip has been planned since January and we REALLY need it right now.  We need time to relax together and laugh together and celebrate life together!

I will be gone a few days and I return in time for my midwife appointment on Monday.  More details and updates to come.   For now, I just need an escape.

SMO Addict

Hello,  my name is Heather and I am an SMO addict.  There is an online support group for surrogate mothers (and parents) that I decided to become a part of when I started looking at becoming a surrogate mother again.   After I got pregnant I made the decision to still continue to be part of the community since I had 'been there, done that' and might be able to offer some words of advise.   

I think this might be a hang up for me.  I am still hearing the joy that the girls get when they are getting their BFP for their IP's.  I am weeping with then when a baby is lost (and it has been a hard month!).  I listen to the stories from IM's about their longing for a baby and having circumstances change that.

I feel guilty.  I feel connected, but then again not.  I have become friends with some of the women on the board and want to continue following their journeys but I think I need to step away from the 'support board' since I am not a surrogate.   It is also very taboo too announce that you are leaving *snort* so, I am not doing that.   :)   I'll just leave it here.

So for those of you that are 'blog stalkers' from SMO - I wish you the best and I will continue following your journey's on your blogs but I can't be a part of the day to day *drama*, fun and support on SMO.   I am having a hard time getting excited about my own pregnancy.  If I hadn't have gotten pregnant with our own I would probably be in the 2WW for my couple.  This breaks my heart......

My womb has been filled, now I need my heart to be filled......
                    maybe then I'll get my sparkle back.

12 Weeks

Yesterday I hit the 12 week mark.   The 'safe' zone.  I should be able to let out a big sigh of relief in knowing that our baby will probably be carried to term and there won't be complications..... This is normally when skeptical parents begin announcing that they are expecting.  

Today is the first day in a very long time that I haven't thrown up while I have been at home - at least not yet.   I won't get too excited that I am over it.  I am more realistic than that!   I am hoping that it is my glimmer of hope that over the next few weeks I will be getting sick less and less often.    

I am not sure that my 'sparkle' is here yet.  I don't think so.  Is my physical sickness affecting my emotions?  Or is my emotions affecting me physically?  I wish I knew so I could start working on it........

In the mean time - here is a quick little summary of where we are at in baby development right now.   I also read in one of my baby books that the intestines are starting to migrate through the umbilical cord to the abdomen of the little Intruder.  What an amazing thing to help create a child;  guided by the hand of God.. 

You are 12 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 10 weeks)

• The fetus is now about 2.5 inches (6cm) length and weighs about 0.7 ounce (20 g).
• The feet are almost half an inch (1cm) long.
• The fetus starts moving spontaneously.
• The face is beginning to look like a baby's face.
• The pancreas is functioning and producing insulin.
• Fingernails and toenails appear.
• The baby can suck his thumb, and get hiccups.

From this week you may well be able to hear the baby's heart beat through a doppler monitor on your tummy. You will notice that the rate is up to 160 a minute, double that of a normal adult.

Your baby now has a chin and a nose and a facial profile. Vocal chords are complete, and the baby can and does sometimes cry silently. The brain is fully formed, and the baby can also feel pain. The fetus may even suck his thumb. The eyelids now cover the eyes, and will remain shut until the seventh month to protect the delicate optical nerve fibers. The hair is on the head and the fingers and toes have developed soft nails. The kidneys are developed and begin to secrete urine.

Your baby weighs between 0.5 and 0.7 ounce (14 to 20g), and crown-to-rump length is almost 2.5 inches (63mm). Your baby's size has almost doubled in the past 3 weeks.

Flutters!

I felt flutters!!   I am soooo excited!   Around 4am this morning I was half asleep laying in bed and felt a little bump.  I was wide awake immediately to see if I could feel it again and sure enough - there was that wonderful, familiar bump, bump, bump.  I was awake long enough to feel it in a couple different places. 

Oh, how I *love* the comfort of feeling the baby move.  It makes the nausea and sickness totally worth it.

I know it is early and it might be awhile before I feel the little Intruder again and that is okay.  Eventually it will be something that is more and more regular.  I especially like that I get to feel the flutters for a few weeks before anyone else does.   That is a time that we get to start building our bond, our special play time.

I fell back asleep with a smile on my face!!    
11.2 weeks

Appointment updates

I had two appointments today and wanted to give a little update.....  but first I want to say sorry for being MIA for the last 2 weeks.   My morning sickness has been kicking my butt and I also went on another family vacation to Mt. St. Helens.

So I met with my midwife again today, only 2 weeks after my last appointment.  I questioned that today when I got there and she expressed that she was concerned about how I was doing emotionally with this pregnancy and didn't want to wait too long to check on me.   Ahhhh, feel the love?!?!  I do!

I assured her that I really was doing fine with the pregnancy but I still don't have my 'spark' about the pregnancy like I normally do.  She notices it and so do I..... but I just don't know what I can do differently at this point.  Emotionally it has been so hard to change gears and maybe I am not 100% there yet.  I would absolutely be devastated if something happened to this pregnancy though!

We did a quick couple tests - my iron is way down and my glucose was pretty high.  I can attribute the high glucose to my Lucky Charms I had before I ran out the door for my appointment.  Horrible choice for  my 2nd breakfast, I know but the only think that sounded 'ok' that I might be able to keep down.  My iron has dropped from a pre-pregnancy of 12.8 to a 10.   I am sure that is contributed to my lack of enthusiasm for red meat so far.  Normally I am a burger girl and those sound horrible to me.  Our freezer is full of elk meat his is super high in iron and protein but the thought just turns my stomach.  Although I have been sick I am still gaining weight so we aren't too concerned at this point, but I *really * need to start eating some red meat!

My other appointment today was for a follow up ultrasound to verify/check dates.  It is so surreal to have an ultrasound...... I haven't had one for my own children for 10 1/2 years!  My surro's had sooo many that it was nice to just trust my body to grow the baby and what ever happens, happens.   Since I didn't know exactly when I conceived with this baby I wanted a date.  I needed a dated.  :)  I found out today that according to the ultrasound I am 10 weeks and 1 day pregnant with an estimated due date of February 6th.   I know I should be happy that I have a date, but I am even more frustrated because the dates just don't make sense.  At all.   There is NO WAY that sperm lived 10+ days, it is impossible.   But whatever........  I am going to keep my guess date of February 1st.  Sounds like a good day to me. 

So - I would like to introduce you to:  "The Intruder"

I know that it doesn't seem like a very nice name, but my hubby came to me after work one evening and rubbed my belly and said "How's the little intruder doing?"   It is a term of endearment and until we come up with something else that will be the nickname.  Oh yeah, and I verified there is only ONE baby.    We were starting to wonder........