Newborn Feet

Newborn Feet

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Heavy Heart and Shattered Dreams

It is with a heavy heart and shattered dreams that tell you that I will no longer be pursuing surrogacy at this time.  I have committed the cardinal sin when you are a surrogate - I am pregnant.   Pregnant with my own child.  Unknown and unplanned.  However, not unwanted or unloved!

I purchased 56 pregnancy tests online a couple weeks ago and with the anticipation of my upcoming transfer in July and knowing that I would be peeing on a pregnancy stick like crazy I wanted to have a NEGATIVE test to compare it to.  So Friday night, the day my period was due I tested.   "Oh my gosh!!"   I tested positive on an internet cheapie so I immediately drank a cup of water and waited an hour and tested with a digital.  *Pregnant*    

I just wanted to cry.......

This was not the plan.  This was NOT supposed to happen.  I am going to be a surrogate again.  I am going to have a baby for Sophie & Pépe.  My world just got turned upside down and S&P's dreams just got shattered.  This was not the plan.

Without sharing too much information - I'll just say that my husband and I thought we were protected..... We were confident we wouldn't get pregnant. 

I told my husband Saturday morning.  He watched me stand in the shower and cry.  This was not the plan.  Not my plan....

An hour later I sent the most difficult letter I have ever had write.  I had to tell S&P that I would not be able to be a surrogate for them.  A child is always a blessing and will be celebrated, but it was so hard to wrap my head around that.  I just took that dream away from Sophie & Pépe.  We did talk a few hours later and this morning I told the agency; but I wanted them to hear it from me.  At this point I don't think that we will be getting to meet S&P when they come to visit.   The pain will be too difficult.

I spent all day Saturday crying and trying to wrap my head and heart around the change of plans.   My husband finally told me that I needed to stop crying and start celebrating.

My mourning will continue for S&P, but for now I need to be happy for me.   For this precious little life I have been blessed with.

{{HUGS}} to S&P and for allowing me into your lives; the lives of two beautiful, deserving people!! 

17 comments:

  1. Oy! You have my congratulations and condolences! Such bitter-sweet news! Wow!

    Enjoy your pregnancy and the new little angel. I cuddle with my 2yo and sometimes think I want another baby because I'm going to miss having a little cutie-patootie. Hey! Now GG can't tell you not to have a beautiful homebirth! :-)

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  2. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry things have not worked out as planned. Good luck!

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  3. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I have learned that life hardly ever turns out as we plan but fortunately God has a plan :) Vesna

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  4. We never know what God has planned. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Please email me, call me, or text me ANYTIME. ((HUGS)) and congratulations on YOUR new miracle. xoxo

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  5. Congrats! I am so sorry that your plans were so unexpectantly change. I know God has a bigger plan for our lives and that someday we will know the reason why. I will pray for you during this big change.{{hugs}}

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  6. Sorry and congrats to you!! Everything happens for a reason sweetie. *HUGE HUGS*

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  7. It's ok to be sad for the IP's but it's important to be happy for your new addition!

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  8. Proud of you! Be strong! We're here for you! xoxo

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  9. celbrating with you, praying for S&P

    Tanya

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  10. Wow. I'm stunned, but I'm also joyful at the news! Congratulations! One thing you'll be able to tell this baby- God knew your family needed one more and at just this time. His plans are perfect.

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  11. Oh Heather! I haven't even logged into Blogger in a while. What a shock! Congratulations on the new little life. I'll be thinking of you as you digest and process all of this change.

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  12. I have a surro friend going through the same thing right now. Congrats on the little one and try not to be so hard on yourself. We may have the best laid plans, but God has the final say. Hugs. Jen (montanamom)

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  13. Oh my...Congratulations on your pregnancy, albeit, unintended. A baby is a gift from God, so please take it, open it, and love it. God doesn't make mistakes and has given you this gift for a reason. Please don't let anyone make you feel bad. Good luck!

    Cheri (SMO)

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  14. Congratulations! God works in his own time! I am praying you and your IPs during this time.

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  15. Congratulations! I am so happy for your new addition. I understand about being "protected" and still getting pregnant at an inopportune time. I'm praying you'll be able to find joy in your situation and rejoice for this turn life has taken. Love you so much!

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  16. holy moly! i saw ur comment to Jaclyn and it made me realize i needed to go look into peoples blogs. i have not checked in lately! Congratulations!

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  17. Heather, thinking of you today. Wanted you to know. *HUGS*

    (and thank you for your sweet comment the other day)

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