Contractions are kind of like ketchup....

 Can we talk about ketchup for a little while?  It is pregnancy related in a weird sort of twisted way….

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday and when I arrived she was just finishing up an appointment with a friend of mine.  She made a comment that her baby was probably going to be a big one since she was measuring 1-2 weeks further along and our MW made a comment about her thinking is that the larger babies come out easier because our uterus doesn’t have to work as hard squishing the baby out (although I am pretty sure she didn’t use the word squishing…).

So last night I was tossing and turning in bed thinking about this and I can related it best to a bottle of ketchup, so let me try.

When you have a full bottle of ketchup you have to turn it over give it a little wiggle and then squeeze and you will get a nice amount of ketchup before you need to let the air bubble rise to the top so you can continue squeezing.  Right?

Well when you have a bottle that is only ½ full or less you have to wiggle and shake and tap that ketchup down and SQUEEZE.   The air bubble doesn’t rise as easily and then you have to tap, tap again and SQUEEZE.   You following me?

So if you are pregnant and delivering a larger baby (let’s say 8lbs +) your uterus doesn’t have to contract in as far to ‘grab hold’ of that baby and squeeze that baby out.   Now if you have a smaller baby your uterus has to contract more each time, then let up then contract down further again making it work more and more.

Maybe that is why some women with smaller babies have longer labors?  I don’t know, but I am curious and I think I might start paying attention to this a little more.   My kids (including surro’s) have all been between 8lbs5oz and 10lbs4oz.  My labors have been (start to finish) 45minutes to 4 hours long.   Correlation? 

Does my theory make sense to you?   Can you follow it?   ….next time you are fighting with that bottle of ketchup you’ll probably chuckle to yourself imagining that your uterus is contacting to get that last bit out!!

 By the way, I *love* ketchup.   I don't like mayo, mustard, BBQ sauce or things like that; add ketchup to my sandwich any day!   Thanksgiving?  Please pass the ketchup for my turkey. 

The Bump is Back

There is no denying that I look pregnant.   Since I still don't have an official 'you are this far along' date or anything I am still guesstimating.   At this point I am around 8.3 weeks pregnant.   However since this is my 6th baby I look like I am about 6 months along already.   Yeah, really.

 So as you can see - the one on the left was taken about 4 weeks ago and the one on the right was taken this morning.  Keep in mind that I am sucking in too.   :)  

You can also see that I got a little bit of a tan while I was on vacation too!   It was wonderful and I was distracted enough and had enough of a variety of wonderful foods that I haven't gotten sick for 5 days!!   Yippee!!!   So excited!

I have my second midwife appointment tomorrow at 11am and I have a follow up ultrasound appointment to check for dates on July 12th at 1pm.  After that we won't have anymore ultrasounds. 

I also wanted to post an update about S&P - before they leave to go back to France they will be flying to LA to meet with a couple from Colorado to possibly match with!  They have been enjoying their time in Oregon and even spent one of their days at Kah-Nee-Ta (where I just got back from) after I told them how what a warm and relaxing place it was.  I have been praying for a perfect match for them, so if you would like, please join me.   They deserve to have a child in their arms and if I can't do it, I want a 'perfect' match for them!!

Taking a Dip -

For the next 4 days this is all I plan on doing - just relaxing and enjoying the sunshine and the water..........

Ahhhhhhhh -

Reality is I probably won't be able to that much, but I will be sitting by a pool, I will be playing in a pool and I will be soaking up the sunshine (yes Mom, I packed LOTS of sunscreen!)  My family is heading to one of our 3 mini-vacations this year.   We are heading to Kah-Nee-Ta which has been a family vacation destination since I was little.  In the years since I started going they experience a major flood, subsequent remodel and have added a Casino and hotel down the road.   I still enjoy the village - nice and small and intimate.  

The 'baby' pool is 4-8" deep and the 'big' pool is 2 feet all the way up to 12 feet with 2 large water slides and 1 small one for the kids not tall enough for the big ones.  They allow floaty toys in the pool which is *great*!  Lounge chairs are provided as long as you arrive early and stake your claim to them.  Since we are staying in the village it normally isn't a problem to get there before the crowds (ie - day users) and make sure you get a couple seats.  Teepees are one way to enjoy your time staying here and we have done that a couple times - but now that we have a trailer we take that with us.  Tent camping is not allowed, but there are condominium style hotel rooms that you can rent also.  

This year we get the pleasure of have a couple other families join us which is always great for the kids, nice for the parents to have extra eyes and just all around FUN!   The food is purchased, the swimsuits are packed, the sunscreen has been stocked up and now we are just waiting for our kids to wake up so we can hit the road!!

....have you noticed I haven't said anything about being sick?   I am hoping that if I ignore it I will be able to enjoy this time away.   :)   Probably won't work, but after getting sick 3 times yesterday and having to rest between each little chore I did I want a little break from the yuckies.  I am hoping lots of good snacking food (tons of fresh fruit and veggies), the sunshine and the good company will keep me distracted. 

Oh yeah - and I'll be wearing my bikini whether I should or not!!!   Hee-Hee!

Ugh -

It has started already.   Three out of the last 4 days I have gotten sick.   Doesn't seem to matter whether I have just eaten or haven't eaten for awhile.  Time doesn't seem to matter either - twice in the morning, once in the evening.  Ugh -    Starting a bit earlier than usual so I am hoping that it will be done earlier than usual.   Wishful thinking, I know.  Our family is going on vacation in the middle of next week and I am *really* hoping that I will be distracted enough that I won't be too sick.   Yeah, wishful thinking again.   *smile*

Tonight my husband surprised me with a rootbeer float.   My very first trip to his house while we were dating we made rootbeer floats and it became a tradition for important celebrations - at our wedding all of our guests joined us and toasted with rootbeer floats too.   So, for my husband to surprise me with one tonight really warmed my heart.

We are celebrating!

If you look - under my "I love..." list I have rootbeer floats!  :)

I'm Hungry. A lot.

I am hungry.   Very hungry.   Every 2 hours....   I have to eat NOW!!!!

I have to eat every 2 hours, if I don't I turn into a crazy hungry lady.   Every two hours I need a 'hit of protein' so I can function.... unfortunately for me, the greasier the better, but I am proud to say I have stayed away from McD's so far.  I am sure french fries are in my near future though....   A few times I have been in the grocery store and had to go to the deli so I can get a chicken strip (or 2).   Really I was wanting gizzards but neither of the grocery stores around me had them.  Total bummer.
So, for now I am functioning.   A functioning food addict. I have eaten many elk burgers and numerous plates of spaghetti for breakfast.   Bananas are my friend for holding me over 'til I can heat something up.  I bought some protein powder so I could add some to fruit smoothies I want to make but my children helped me put the groceries away and now I have no idea where the bag of soy protein powder went.   Hmmmmm....

Ok, I just finished breakfast so I better go get ready for the day so I can come back and eat again - - -  It's a vicious circle.   

Started Praying

So three nights ago I finally started praying - praying for the baby.   Up until this point I have been praying for me.  Praying for me to wrap my head and my heart around the changes.  Praying for me to start accepting this baby and the new addition to our family.   On Tuesday I realized that I needed to start praying for the baby.  I praised God for blessing our family and to grow and protect our little one. 

Can I tell you how much better I felt once I gave it up to Him?   "You have done this, You have trusted us and now I am putting my trust back in You."   Ahhhhh - what a relief!!!

I can have fear or I can have faith - and I know that one will always replace the other.   I don't want to live in fear, I want to have faith that God is doing what is right on his timing - so I am living by faith now!

God please bless this little one and keep him/her safe and growing strong!  Amen!

Award goes to....

 I would like to give this to my husband - the 'SuperSperm' award.  Without going into the lovely details {that I have promised to keep quiet} about our sex life - He HAS to have super sperm in order for me to have gotten pregnant.  Especially with how far along I am........

According to the US technician today I am somewhere around 3 weeks gestation (so 5 weeks for most people).   That is quite a bit off from my calculations, but apparently if the SuperSperm are defying the odds and getting me pregnant in the first place and then the timing.... well it must be a God-thing.  That is the only answer.

 My beta numbers that I had drawn on June 1st (781)& June 3rd (1683) doubled in 40.83 hours, so I know that part is okay.   Today I was only able to see, as I like to call it, 'the black hole'.  We think we were able to see the beginning of the fetal pole, but it was so hard to see.   *I am wondering how old the equipment is, but I digress.....*  I was told I could come back in 3-4 weeks to get a more accurate date, but at this point I don't know if I want to do anything more invasive.    Here is an US picture (NOT mine!) of what I was able to see today. 

So - I am now unofficially 5 weeks pregnant!

Being Stubborn

So now probably isn't the time to tell you I'm stubborn, but I am.  


I am decided to keep my blog going....... I have gone back and forth if I should just delete it since I hasn't served the purpose I had hoped - letting you follow my journey to become a surrogate again.

However, life happens, and I guess when it comes down to it, that is what I am blogging about.

I got pregnant.  I am pregnant.   I am pregnant!!!! 

I have shed my tears and I have mourned for the journey I don't get to complete and the baby I don't get to deliver for S&P.  I can't change anything from the past - I am moving forward.  I am going to start celebrating!

Today I had my first midwife appointment and in less than an hour I will go to my one and only ultrasound appointment.  I am just going to get the dates so we have a more accurate due date.  My last 2 children were born *just fine* without an ultrasound and really I don't NEED one now, but it is a want.   I want to know my due date.   Not that it is written in stone, but all of my children have been born within 7 hours of their due date.  I am just curious.   ...and I am stubborn.

Tonight I will make my 'official' announcement that we are expecting.  My blog followers have been very supportive and it has helped me sooo much.  I know I need to stop mourning and I am  hoping that I will make today that turning point.  I am going to celebrate the upcoming birth of our child!

I am pregnant!!!

Heavy Heart and Shattered Dreams

It is with a heavy heart and shattered dreams that tell you that I will no longer be pursuing surrogacy at this time.  I have committed the cardinal sin when you are a surrogate - I am pregnant.   Pregnant with my own child.  Unknown and unplanned.  However, not unwanted or unloved!

I purchased 56 pregnancy tests online a couple weeks ago and with the anticipation of my upcoming transfer in July and knowing that I would be peeing on a pregnancy stick like crazy I wanted to have a NEGATIVE test to compare it to.  So Friday night, the day my period was due I tested.   "Oh my gosh!!"   I tested positive on an internet cheapie so I immediately drank a cup of water and waited an hour and tested with a digital.  *Pregnant*    

I just wanted to cry.......

This was not the plan.  This was NOT supposed to happen.  I am going to be a surrogate again.  I am going to have a baby for Sophie & Pépe.  My world just got turned upside down and S&P's dreams just got shattered.  This was not the plan.

Without sharing too much information - I'll just say that my husband and I thought we were protected..... We were confident we wouldn't get pregnant. 

I told my husband Saturday morning.  He watched me stand in the shower and cry.  This was not the plan.  Not my plan....

An hour later I sent the most difficult letter I have ever had write.  I had to tell S&P that I would not be able to be a surrogate for them.  A child is always a blessing and will be celebrated, but it was so hard to wrap my head around that.  I just took that dream away from Sophie & Pépe.  We did talk a few hours later and this morning I told the agency; but I wanted them to hear it from me.  At this point I don't think that we will be getting to meet S&P when they come to visit.   The pain will be too difficult.

I spent all day Saturday crying and trying to wrap my head and heart around the change of plans.   My husband finally told me that I needed to stop crying and start celebrating.

My mourning will continue for S&P, but for now I need to be happy for me.   For this precious little life I have been blessed with.

{{HUGS}} to S&P and for allowing me into your lives; the lives of two beautiful, deserving people!!